Who Owns Your Sexuality?

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(Last Updated On: June 25, 2023)

Our sexuality is a unique part of us. It sits at the core of our personality and is an expression of a deeply personal and intimate part of who we are. Despite this, we often freely give away total control over our sexuality. Why is that, and what is the connection to sexual fidelity?

Image credit © MartinFredy - Bigstockphoto.com

When we partner

When we partner with a person, we talk about and negotiate practical things.

We will join our finances together.

We will live in the same home.

We will bring up children.

There are other things – the second layer – that we mutually understand, but don’t often talk about.

I will always back you up.

I won’t have sex with other people.

I won’t fall in love with anyone else.

This second layer of things are often mutual expectations we have of the other, but just not explicitly stated.

However, there is a third layer of expectations that we very rarely talk about. When they come out – and it is often in crisis – it can be a surprise. Hidden expectations on our sexuality are some of those things. Let’s take a couple of examples.

 

Faithful and True

When we enter into relationship and we swear to be faithful and true to our partner, sometimes our partner can take this further that we might have intended. Our partners can often feel that the the whole of our sexual identity is now solely centred on them. Whilst we might agree that the expression of our sexuality will not be with other people, there can be a differences in a partnership about whether it’s okay for the other to feel sexual feelings for another person.

For some people it’s okay that their partner has sexual feelings for another – as long as they don’t act on them. For other people, even feeling sexual attraction for another can ignite strong feelings of betrayal and insecurity.

 

Sexual fidelity and masturbation

Similarly, there can be differences of opinion about whether it’s okay to for your partner to masturbate. For some people, it’s okay that their partner masturbates. For them, it doesn’t say anything about their sexual fidelity or their honesty. However, for others, when their partner masturbates it is a forbidden sign that your sexuality exists beyond them. For them, their partner’s masturbation is not okay and must stop when you commit to the person.

Forming a relationship is a complicated business. For many people, partnership include elements of compromise and trade-off. Typically, we trade-off independence for greater security with another. However, it really helps us to know exactly what we are giving and what will get in return.

There is no right answer is here. What is important though, is to talk to partner about what you’re really expecting of the other person. If the other person knows what you expect of them regarding things like sexual desire, masturbation and what your definition of fidelity is, then the two of you can enter into something that you both truly understand at the outset.

If you are negotiating sexual fidelity, I offer individual counselling and couples counselling in Richmond in Sunbury.

Please lt me know what you think in the comments. Now, read my post on whether masturbation is harmful

-Tim Hill

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Tim Hill

I do this work because I believe that with the right help and support, people change – I see it all the time. Whether you are battling something big or small, I believe that change is possible even when you don’t know how to change, when things seem hopeless or when the odds are stacked against you

Comments (3)

  1. Trilby Johnson 19.05.2017 at 09:30

    Great article. I love how you raise awareness about these hidden agreements, because they are rarely addressed and can lead to much confusion and heartache for those involved. Without sounding old fashioned, I continue to feel that honest open communication must be cultivated and shared. Also, I really do think that regular couple therapy can only benefit the relationship and help both parties hone skills and learn new things. Thank you.

  2. Tim Hill 19.05.2017 at 09:55

    Thanks Trilby – I agree with what you are saying about open communication; it’s not just a once-off but a life-long conversation.

  3. Nicole 19.05.2017 at 11:39

    This is great Tim! It’s interesting that this lack of negotiation around sexual behaviour is primarily a straight rship thing. Perhaps lesbian rships somewhat too. Once you are ‘exclusive’ no further discussion. But gay men generally negotiate very early what is/isn’t ok and many revisit the topic as a relationship continues. So do other couples in open rships (even opening and closing when it’s appropriate for them, or talking about masturbation or how attraction to others might be furled into their own sex life), and of course people in poly rships do this all the time too. One friend of mine said that when he and his girlfriend decided to try an open rship they started talking more truthfully and deeply than they ever had before. Yet we judge! We think someone must be being hurt, or they mustn’t really love each other (neither is true in many examples I know). Although being in an open or poly rship isn’t for everyone, there is much people could learn about at least having conversations about sex/sexuality/masturbation from listening to those folks who do it regularly.