partners of porn users

What Your Partner Assumes about Your Porn Use

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(Last Updated On: March 6, 2023)

One of the biggest difficulties with pornography is how it is seen differently by users of pornography and partners of porn users.

partners of porn users

Image credit © HighwayStarz - Bigstockphoto.com

 

Men and pornography

My experience in working with men who use pornography has shown me repeatedly why they do it. It is primarily because of stress, boredom and habit. Porn use can also be about having a private world to retreat to. It may also be coupled with an immediate sexual desire that can’t be met elsewhere. In other words, the reasons for men using pornography can be varied but the main reason usually isn’t sexual. Sure, it has a sexual element and often involves masturbation and orgasm – but this isn’t it’s main aspect.

Men generally feel ashamed by their pornography use and it feels very private.

 

 

Women and pornography

However, when partners of men find out their man’s pornography use, the first thing they see is the sexual content. They often experience strong feelings of anger, betrayal and disgust. Additionally, they often feel that the man’s pornography use is personal; that is a reflection of how he feels about her and their relationship.

To many women, it feels like a sure sign that he is unhappy and dissatisfied with her or what happens in their sex life.

For many women, pornography use in the relationship comes as a crushing blow.

 

 

Crossing the divide

This is one of the frustrating things about dealing with the use of pornography; users and partners both feel strongly, and both see it differently. Neither can easily see the other’s perspective and it can become a deeply contentious issue in the relationship. It remains very hard for either person to talk about from a place of openness.

When men get to hear from their partners about how they feel about pornography, it is often in the form of intense emotion, accusation and confrontation. In response, men can also get frustrated and angry; they feel that their partners refuse to see it like they do. They don’t feel listened to or trusted when they say that it isn’t about their partner.

If you are negotiating with your partner about pornography, I offer individual counselling and couples counselling regarding pornography use in Richmond in Sunbury.

It’s from this difficult place that the relationship needs to be repaired – more on this in a later blog post.

Let me know what you think in the comments. Now, read about masturbation – your secret or just private?

– Tim Hill

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Tim Hill

I do this work because I believe that with the right help and support, people change – I see it all the time. Whether you are battling something big or small, I believe that change is possible even when you don’t know how to change, when things seem hopeless or when the odds are stacked against you