Embarrassment about Sex: When the Good Boy Grows into a Man
If you’re embarrassed by sex, perhaps you used to be a ‘good child’. There is something about adults who used to be ‘the good child’. They are dependable, upright and responsible adults, but they can also be shy and reserved. While there is a lot to like about having been a good child, they can find themselves feeling embarrassment about sex.
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The good child and embarrassment about sex
Alain de Botton in a recent article about good children noted the following about their sex lives:
“The good person typically has particular problems around sex. As a child, they may have been praised for being pure and innocent. As they become an adult however, like all of us, they discover the ecstasies of sex, which can be beautifully perverse and excitingly disgusting. But this may be radically at odds with the picture of what they believe they are allowed to be like.”
He goes on to say:
“They may in response disavow their desires, go cold and detached from their bodies – or perhaps give in to their longings only in a disproportionate way that is destructive to other bits of their lives and leaves them disgusted and frightened.”
Going against their nature?
The grown-up good child is likely to find it difficult to communicate with their partner about sex. Every time they ask for something which they don’t feel fits with being a good person, they’re going against what they feel is their essential nature. This embarrassment about sex is not an easy situation for anybody to be in.
For the grown-up good child, talking about sex is just too hard and can lead to strong feelings of shame. For this reason, men who used to be a good child might be expected to become interested in pornography. With pornography, the good child doesn’t have to talk to anybody about sex or his needs – it’s a secret. This might also go some way to explain why people of strong faith seem to so often struggle with their sexual desires and pornography.
Making things easier
When men emphasise pornography and de-emphasise sex, they are making their sexual lives a whole lot easier because they don’t have to negotiate with someone else and actually speak their desires. However, they still need to live with having desires which ultimately don’t fit the picture of who they think they should be. This ultimately gets them into more trouble.
Counselling can help adult men talk about their embarrassment about sex. Talking about sex who you want to have sex with can be too much – it makes it too real. In contrast, the distance you have when talking to a professional makes it easier. When you start to talk about sex, it can help you accept that your desires don’t make you a bad person. You can also begin to accept that they don’t make you an unusual person.
Are you a good child struggling to with pornography and/or relationships? If so, let’s have a chat. Call me for a free initial consultation. I offer individual counselling and couples counselling regarding pornography use in Richmond in Sunbury.
let me know your view in the comments. Now, read about Men Like to Look: Dealing with the Way We Are Wired.
-Tim Hill
The Book of Life, Chapter 4 – Self-Knowledge – The Dangers of the Good Child http://www.thebookoflife.org/the-dangers-of-the-good-child/
Tim Hill
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Tim that was really good and so honest. Young adult females go through the same thing too. Keep up the great blogs.
Thank you Pamela! I do agree that young adult females have a similar experience. I would imagine that one of the differences, however, is that it doesn’t lead so often to pornography for women but another mechanism by which they avoid talking about their sexual desires.